The Joy of Public Transport
Where the great unwashed come to gather in one place. Where sub-human smells emerge from every angle, and there’s nowhere to run. Not until you reach your stop. Where children become suddenly unhinged and possessed. And teenagers like to share their love of Dubstep. Probably one of the few places you will ever encounter the sort of people you hate all in one place. The Bus. And it’s counterpart, the Bus Stop. That dark and lonely place where no-one speaks, but all gather for the same purpose. In fact, I’m absolutely certain some people wait until they are actually on the bus to have their loud and irritating conversations.
I was on the bus a few weeks ago after a necessary trip into Town. Believe me, I don’t use the Bus unless it is absolutely necessary. Behind me was a little guy in a full length trench coat and beard. Nothing particularly interesting about him, until he decided to get his phone out. What commenced was a conversation with his mobile phone provider, Vodafone. Nothing out of the ordinary you might think, if it weren’t for the fact the Bus was slowly becoming over crowded and he was speaking with a cockney accent. You ask anyone up north, if we hear a cockney we’re suddenly interested. If only to take the piss.
“Yeah weww, ya see I been charged 90 paaahnd this manth. So I was wandrin if I could go on anavva tawk plan? My password? Yeah it’s Luke aint it? Ang on while I get me details…” By the end of his journey I knew this guys full home address, telephone number, account code and password and the fact he’d been making long distance phone calls which had exceeded his allowed minutes. I couldn’t help but smirk as he confessed he’d been using the internet on his phone and wanted to pay an extra £10 a month so that he could have more minutes. I wondered if he was wearing the trench coat in his internet dating profile pic.